What's Wrong With the Water in the National League?
"I know up on top you are seeing great sights, but down on the bottom we, too, should have rights!" -- YERTLE THE TURTLE

Just as you know something is amiss in a village or a region of the world when you witness a sudden tide of refugees carrying rope-bound suitcases on their heads, cooking pots and mattresses, crying babies and burlap bags full of shahtoosh as they lead goats on a rope down dirt roads where the air is swollen with fleas and flies and dust, so too do you know that something must be rotten in the state of the National League to have caused an exodus so comprehensive one wonders what superstars will be left to turn out the lights.

It started with Curt Schilling moving to Boston from Arizona and then continued in a frenzy as the Yankees plucked Javier Vasquez off the Expos, Kevin Brown off the Dodgers and Gary Sheffield off the Braves in a vain effort of overcompensation. In between, Javier Lopez moved to the O's from Atlanta, Vladimir Guerrero to the Angels from the Expos and Pudge Rodriguez from the Marlins up north to the lovely franchise in Detroit. This doesn't even consider lower scale moves like Pokey Reese going to the Red Sox from Pittsburgh and Scott Sullivan purloined from the Reds to the Royals, or even Kenny Lofton moving his rapidly aging bones from the Cubs to the Yankees. Further down the food chain, Robert Fick has joined the Devil Rays from Atlanta, Jose Cruz Junior ran in fright from San Fran to Tampa and even Tino Martinez couldn't take it any more after two dissatisfying years and fled St Louis for Lou Piniella.

That's quite the makings of an All-Star team, isn't it then? Starting rotation of Schilling, K-Brown and Vasquez with a batting order that holds Sheffield, Vladimir Guerrero and Javier Lopez at its heart.

Now, when you look at what the National League got in return its almost like looking at a B-movie club of has-beens, nobody wants to be's and hardly anybody wants to know whats. Ok, the Astros snagged the Deceptious Duo of Andy Doomed for the DL Pettite and Roger Time's Internal Alarm Clock is Buzzing Clemens. Both should be good for a combined 10 wins and 10 weeks on the disabled list, at the very least. You can claim a minor coup in the Cubs getting LaTroy Hawkins in their pen from the Twins. There might be a case for The Troy of Troys catching fire in Wrigley. But then you've got the hardly-heart-stopping move of Mike Whiff-o-rama Cameron to Shea Stadium from Seattle and similarly picayune moves like Roberto Alomar joining the Diamondbacks or Carl Everett taking his loutish pout to Montreal from Texas. Oh wait! There's Eric Milton and his subliminal victories getting carried to Philadelphia from Minnesota and Jeff Weaver's cowardly Lion act running for the exits of the West Coast to LA from NYC. Not satisfied yet? How about the Fatman Wells, gout and all to San Diego from the Boss' chains? Or better still, Armandogeddon running from the hounds to take a breather in Miami where he can blow saves in front of only 10,000 fans in humidity-drenched evenings in Southern Florida. Ismael Valdes gone from Texas to San Diego?

So you can see there is plenty of movement both in to and away from the National League but the rub is that the National League got virtually nilch for the superstars it lost and if the National League were a franchise, the fan base would be in an uproar: Whaddaya mean we've lost Schilling, Vasquez and Brown and gotten in Pettite, Clemens, Wells, Weaver (well let's just say nearly the whole of quickly fading 2003 Yankee rotation) and Eric Milton in return?! Whaddaya mean no more Vladimir, Sheff and Pudge but hey, be happy with Pokey Reese, Roberto Alomar, Nick Johnson and Mike Cameron in return?! Season ticket holders, don't hold your breath for Jose Lima's continued comeback or Jeremy Giambi to find himself. You've always got Armandogeddon ready to blow your season from the pen!

What does this mean in the larger scheme of things? For one, the Cubbies can kiss homefield advantage in the World Series good bye. What do you think will happen Minute Maid Park when the National League pin up their all star squadron of geezers and wheezers and Albert Pujols legions against the denizen membership of the tawdry billionaires' club? Quickly, you will see the Yankees are handed homefield advantage for the World Series and they won't need Hammerin Hank Blalock to help them this time around.

For another thing, it means the National League fans can thank their lucky little Selig Steroid Stars for Interleague play. Without it, what is the draw outside of Wrigley Field going to be? To watch the soon-to-become-trilingual Carl Everett self-implode or s'imploser in Olympic Stadium in Montreal or implodirse in the killing fields of Hiram Bithorn Stadium in San Juan? Or perhaps it will be the enthralling hyperkinetics of Roberto Alomar's ability to divine new levels of mediocre underachievement from his historied past of failed effort all the way to Arizona? If not, you can always count the days with your Nick Johnson DL Calendar or count the calories in a cold can of beer as it effortlessly streams its way down Boomer Wells' throat and into his weight reduction gullet only to coalesce as urate crystals of gout in his lower extremity joints? It spells a boring season for the National League, that's what it spells. The only thing we'll have to look forward to, in reality, is Larry Bowa's meltdown and Dusty Baker's amusingly jejune, politically incorrect philosophical and historic observations. Did I mention that Ismael Valdes has finally returned to the National League? What will he do for an encore?

I'll tell you what the National League has to look forward to: as Baseball Primer deservedly asks:

Are Scott Erickson and Lisa Guerrero the 2004 version of Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra?