"Sometimes I get bored riding down the beautiful streets of L.A. I know it sounds crazy, but I just want to go to New York and see people suffer." --Donna Summer.
Since the beginning of May, I've been looking for something outside of the pestilential and possibly unintelligible genius of Archie Bunker's Army to get excited about.
It hasn't been easy. In fact, unless you are intent on creating excitement out of REM patterns, the season has been a pointless snooze thus far.
Roger Clemens the Living Legend, finally getting a run of support and earning win 330?
Not really exciting. Not after all he's done already. Not after the running roadshow of friends and family chased him around America for several weeks in his nearly incessant quest for 300 victories. He's just this season's version of last season's Randy Johnson. You remember: great old pitcher making too much money for a crap team who will have a low ERA all season and an even lower win total for lack of run support.
How about Barry Bonds? Well, who knows, people are beginning to just suppose he doesn't come back. Egad! What and who then will take the place of a surly prima donna balloon-headed homerun hitter extraordinaire? Phil Sheridan of the Miami Herald, who ought not to know since he is in Florida, nowhere near Bonds in SF says:
"Bonds, who will turn 41 on July 24, needs 52 home runs to tie Aaron at 755. John Donovan of SI.com came up with numbers that show exactly what Bonds is up against.
According to Donovan, Ted Williams hit 29 home runs the year he turned 41. That's the most ever by a player 41 or older. The most for a 42-year-old? Carlton Fisk hit 18 in 1990. So, if Bonds matched the most homers ever hit at his age in the next two seasons, he would finish 2006 with 750.
He wouldn't begin his run at Aaron until the beginning of the 2007 season."
Who cares? The world wants to put a steroid-sized asterisks next to any record he breaks anyway so what difference does it really make? So people can prattle on about the meaningless of another Babe Ruth record broken but not really broken like Roger Maris' 61 homers, for years on end?
C'mon, really. If this sort of rampant speculation is news in baseball these days then baseball is no very exciting yet this season.
Really, the whole problem with this season so far is that everyone we expected to be good this season, like the Yankees, Cubs, Red Sox, Giants, to name a few, are having very unexiting seasons and other teams, like the White Sox, Dodgers, Diamondbacks, Cardinals and Braves are doing the business making things very underwhelming indeed.
The steroid controversy is almost moot this season now that public enemy number one Bonds isn't even playing and Jason Giambi, the posterboy for steroid abuse, just isn't that exciting to hurl insults at anymore. You can kick a man when he's down, especially in NYC but after awhile, even a good kicking gets boring when the target can't defend himself.
The Unit stinks so far this season, Schilling is out, Bonds is out, half the closers in the Major Leagues are on the DL, the Cubs stink again, Johann Santana started off a season of high expectation by putting up sub-par numbers, and oh yeah, the Braves are in first place in the NL East for what, the billionth season in a row.
We'll see how things develop but so far, ho hum. The races are still sorting themselves out and the real interesting stories have yet to develop. An intentional beaning at the All Star game would be a nice beginning. That's what happens when you open your season with the biggest rivalry in sports as your first game. It all becomes a little anticlimatic after all the hype.
*****
Another closer bites the dust to the DL. What's the epidemic? I thought it was all the homerun hitting hotshots with the size 28 hats and elephantine biceps who were going to struggle and get hurt in the absence of steroids. What's the list? Gagne for the Dodgers, Armandogeddon for the Giants, Guillermo Mota for the Marlins, Isringhausen for the Cardinals and now Detroit's Troy Percival.
The Nats were hit by the injury bug as well but seem to perservere anyway:
"As soon as the calendar turned to May, every baseball demon has dogged the Nats. On May 1, Joey Eischen, the team's only left-handed pitcher, broke his arm. Then, last week, the Nats had their regular No. 3, 4 and 5 hitters -- the entire heart of the order -- leave games with injuries in the span of five days. Isn't that some kind of macabre record?"
No bullpen and no Bonds. Looks like the Giants are stuffed.
Can't say the Dodgers aren't keeping up with these hopeful times of hypocritical morality. Now they've issued a Fan Code of Conduct which includes the all important:
HEAR NO EVIL: "Fans will enjoy the baseball experience free from foul/abusive language or obscene gestures."
SEE NO EVIL: "Fans wearing obscene or indecent clothing will not be admitted into the stadium AND Fans may not display any obscene or indecent messages on signs."
DRINK NO EVIL: "Fans will consume alcoholic beverages in a responsible manner. Intervention with an impaired, intoxicated or underage guest will be handled in a prompt and safe manner. Those appearing intoxicated will be denied entry or will be subject to ejection from the stadium."
Or will let loose to run free at US Cellular Field.
*****
One thing I absolutely can't understand is why the Pope had a trading card.
He didn't even pray for his homeside Poland in the 1982 World Cup!
How many times has a Pope been traded?
Well, Dave Pope was traded in '55 from the Indians to the Orioles...
Willie Pope wasn't allowed to be traded to the all-white pre-integration MLB league.
Even Mark Pope has more fantasy value that the other Pope but is too tall to wear a zucchetto.
*****Hoops*****
Is there a controversy over the NBA MVP?
Some make the argument for the greasy-haired, hippy-headed Canadian MVP who may someday lead the children of Canada to their final destiny with a barber.
Some argue for the Shaq Effect.
But the best part of the controversy is that it allows everyone to play the race card or to whinge about others playing the race card.
And the reason this is interesting is because the NBA playoffs are so booooring.
So far in the playoffs, it appears that "it might not have been common knowledge to many before the two were charged, but sitting in a seat different than the one for which you paid is a misdemeanor in Auburn Hills, punishable by up to 90 days in jail and a $500 fine." according to the Detroit Free Press.
small surprise, the Pistons won anyway:
"Ben goes wild. Pistons go up. No one got arrested, and nothing went ka-boom. It was a great night for Detroit fans.". Ah yes, sweet vindication.
All I care about is how high Ben Wallace's Buckwheat Haircut can grow.
It's almost Roosevelt Bouie hair.
As if it matters, but who else is still playing anyway? Well, I remember seeing something about after about a month off, The Heat still won handily in their first match. Jeez, what a shocker we could never have foreseen. The
We all know it's a Piston-Heat Eastern final. What's the point?
In the West, well if Steve Nash is the MVP than shouldn't the Phoenix Suns be the winners? Like like the Pistons, the Mavs survived a long series and the Suns just whooped the Mavs in the first game and even caused Mavs coach Avery Squeaky Johnson to slip and fall on the court, make a fool of himself and get an ejection.
Who else is left? Not the Lakers, nor the Kings, not the Timberwolves, what the hell is going on?
Oh right, the The Spurs are ahead of the Supersonics, 1 game to nil. Oh. Now THAT is news. To people in San Antonio anyway. No wonder I didn't hear anything about it.
So we've got a probable Piston-Heat Eastern and a probable Phoenix-San Antonio Western and let's be sure, Piston-San Antonio again for the second month in a row? Jeez, I can hardly wait.
zzzzzzz.
NBA=(Not Berry Axe-iting)
*****
Speaking of boring, there's this little item:
Gretzky poised to become Coyotes coach.
Coach of what? There was no NHL season last year and no big hopes for one on the horizon so what is it exactly he is supposed to be coaching, Lamaze to the wives of unemployed hockey players?
This story is like calling up some old girlfriend after months of having been broken up and then hanging up the minute she answers the phone.
Or as Ricky Roma once noted in Glengarry Glen Ross:
"Oh come on, what's the point? What's the fucking point in any case I gotta argue with you, I gotta knock heads with the cops, I'm busting my balls sell your dirt to deadbeats."
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