I Don't Sign For White People

Interesting tale, another building block in the Barry Bonds legacy, from this Daily News article:

Ron Kittle relates trying to get Bonds to sign a few jerseys for auction to benefit children with cancer:

...I walked up to Bonds at his locker in the Wrigley Field visitors' clubhouse, introduced myself and said, 'Barry, if you sign these, they'll bring in a lot of money for kids who need help.'

Bonds stood up, looked me in the eye and said "I don't sign for white people."

Surprisingly, Bond's own website doesn't appear to have any disclaimers like "For the Eyes of Non-Whites Only", or "Bring Back the Negroe League" so perhaps the fact that the quote comes from Ron Kittle, who is currently pedaling a book, might shed a little light on the alleged controversy.

The best response I've read about the quote was written by someone named Eraser-X on this exchange about it.

"That's nothing, when Ron Kittle asked for my autograph, I unzipped and pissed on him. And I'm a Sox fan."

*****Observation Tower*****

The secret to the success of the White Sox thus far has been their 19-4 record against their division opponents.

The fact that despite their record they are still only 3 1/2 games ahead of the Twins speaks volumes about how this division will play out by season's end. There will come a time this season when the White Sox go cold for a stretch and when they do, the Twins will be there waiting for them.

*****

Admirable Deed of the Week is Shaq offering to pay for George Mikan's Funeral.

"I heard they were having some trouble, some problems, so if you contact the Heat office, I would like to pay for the funeral," O'Neal said.

But Shaq, Mikan was white!

Where is Ron Kittle when you need him to quote Shaq from a celebrity golfing match played for charity back in 2002 when Shaq told him "I don't pay for the funerals of white people, I only celebrate them"?

On an even weirder note, believe it or not, George Mikan was once schooled by none other than the reptilian US Congressman Henry Hyde:

"But in Madison Square Garden on March 25, 1943, playing for the NCAA East championship before 14,085 fans, it was Hyde who got the better of the big man. Hyde held him to a single point in the second half of a game Georgetown won.

"There wasn't much you could do to guard him except push the rules," the Illinois Republican recalled.

In an early version of hack-a-Shaq, Hyde hip-checked Mikan every time the big man touched the ball, knocking him off his famous hook shot and sending him to the line, where he managed to make only one free throw."

*****

Dr Z asks the eternal question: Could rugby players make the transition to the NFL?.

Personally, I prefer questions like:

1. If Rimbaud had been an NFL player instead of a poetic visionary, what position would he have played?
2. Why isn't Edgar Allen Poe's visage on the side of Raven helmets instead of Raven since it was he they ripped the name off of in the first place?
3. How many NFL players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

*****

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

*****

You don't get to read this sort of headline often enough but here it is anyway:

Helling impaled in left arm by part of bat.

*****

The Recliners of Junior and Adam Dunn were evicted from the Reds clubhouse last week by the management.

"So now we’ll start winning. It was my chair’s fault," Adam Dunn forecasted with just a wee bit of sarcasm at the move.

What's next? No more keg parties before games? No more in-house hookers to keep the players loose?

This ranks right up there with Crazy George Steinbrenner's "no facial hair" rule as though these types of distractions are deadly to the spirit of a team.

Personally, I don't believe baseball teams should even have clubhouses. They should all be housed in Soviet-style apartment complexes next to the stadiums, not be allowed to marry or have children, should play for "the love of the game" rather than money and should be on a strict dirt and rice diet. Oh wait, no that's North Korea.

Mailbag

Avid reader Artis Googenheimest from Possum Grape, Arkansas notes in an indignant email missive:

"I just wanted to point out that contrary to your assertion, North Koreans are allowed to marry and have children...what else will they have to eat after the next great famine?"

Well spotted, Artis. I stand corrected.

Spousal Support

Mets first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz says even his wife has noticed how rotten he's been at the plate this season so far.

"She's like, 'You are a good player, just hopefully some day you'll show these people that you can play. You're a much better player than this. I'm tired of watching this,'" Mientkiewicz said Friday night. "It kind of hits home when your significant other jumps on you. I'm like, 'Honey, I know.'"

Ever wonder if there are conversations like this in the Mr Anna Benson household?

"I did only one cosmetic-surgery thing: I had breast implants," she confesses. "After having three kids, I felt I deserved it. Kris doesn’t want me to have plastic surgery on my face. He says, ‘Don’t let them do any of that crap to you; you’re too pretty.’ Kris has the eye of an eagle.”

How can this guy concentrate on pitching when he has such a vain little bimbo for a wife distracting him?

Ok, ok. Not to mention the curves.

*****

The tightest little race in baseball right now is in the NL East.

Not surprisingly, the division co-leaders, the Marlins and Braves, have the worst record for a team leading their division right now at .538 -

When you look at the combined victories for the first and second place teams in each division you see that the AL Central leads the major leagues with the Chicago White Sox/Minnesota Twins combined victory total of 68.

2. Padres and Diamondbacks in NL West: 64
3. Cardinals and Cubs in NL Central: 63
4. Orioles and Red Sox in AL East: 62
5. Angels and Rangers in AL West: 61
6. Marlins and Braves in NL East: 57

What does it all mean?

Not a furking thing really, other than highlighting my ability to provide readers with absolute arcania - nevertheless, only 2 games separate the Marlins and Braves from the Phillies in last place.

*****

Pedro is the life of the party.

"It's two hours before his start against surprising Arizona and Pedro is challenging the two most powerful Mets, Mike Piazza and Cliff Floyd, to fight.

No, not him. Each other.

"Come on, boys," he implores them. "Two big naked men. Let's get ready to rumble."

*****

Carolina Panthers defensive tackle Kris Jenkins, like millions of other people, doesn't like Warren Sapp only unlike millions of other people, HIS opinion can be heard everywhere:

"I hate him. Everybody says I'm supposed to be polite when I talk to you all, but I hate him. He talks too much, he doesn't make sense, he's fat, he's sloppy, he acts like he's the best thing since sliced bread. He's ugly, he stinks, his mouth stinks, his breath stinks, and basically his soul stinks, too. Not too many people have personalities like that and survive in life. I don't know how he does it."

At 6'4 335 pounds, Kris Jenkins has alot to beef about...