VOETBALL

Evidence of Polish influence in the UK is snaking its way up Scotland way - Two Poles helped provide an easy opening to Celtic's defence of the Scottish title, defeating Kilmarnock 4-1 with a brace of goals by Maciej Zurawski (trying saying that three times in a row with a mouthful of Wiejska kielbasa in a match closely watched by those eagerly awaiting the start of the Premiership and with nothing better to do.

Meanwhile, Sports Amnesia's favourite SPL team, Inverness CT, lost their opener 2-1 to St Mirren, imposters in the SPL who should have been easily kicked about.

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Influence Peddling in Scouserland: Guardian post on Costa Merseyside reveals there is even a language link exchange between Spain and Scouser schools to further the replacement of Spanish over French.

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Champions League
Il tabellone del terzo turno

Sherrif Tiraspol (Mol) o Spartak Mosca (Rus)-Slovan Liberic (R.Cec)
Shakhtar Donetsk (Ucr) - Hafnarfjordur (Isl) o Legia Warsavia (Pol)
Zurigo (Svi) o Salisburgo (Aut) - Valencia (Spa)
Levski Sofia (Bul) o Sioni Bolnisi (Geo) - Chievo
Hearts (Sco) o Siroki Brijeg (Bos) - Aek Atene (Gre)
Cska Mosca (Rus) - Djurgarden (Sve) o Ruzomberok (Slk)
Milan - Cork City (Irl) o Stella Rossa (Ser)
Galatasaray (Tur) - Mlada Boleslav (R.Cec) o Valerenga (Nor)
Standard Liegi (Bel) - Gorica (Slo) o Steaua Bucarest (Rom)
Austria Vienna (Aut) - Benfica (Por)
Ekranes (Lit) o Dinamo Zagabria (Cro) - Arsenal (Ing)
Copenhagen (Dan) o MyPa 47 (Fin) - Ajax (Ola)
Amburgo (Ger) - Osasuna (Spa)
Metalurgs Liepaja (Let) o Dinamo Kiev (Ucr) - Fenerbahce (Tur) o B36 Torshavn (Far)
Liverpool (Ing) - Maccabi Haifa (Isr)
Lilla (Fra) - Debrecen (Ung) o Rabotnicki Skopje (Mac)

Shortly after yesterday's Uefa Cup draw Glenn Roeder, the Newcastle United manager, appeared clutching a piece of torn-off notepad paper featuring a single, scribbled name.

After about 20 minutes of questions he looked down at it and said: "Strange that no one's actually naming the Latvian team we're playing. Can anyone pronounce it?"

FK Ventspils - here is their homepage - they are at the top of the Latvian derby tables. Woo hoo. Think their name is odd, imagine the opponent they beat to face Newcastle: the team from the Faeroe Islands “GI GOTU”.

According to the Independant, Newcastle have held talks with Sol Campbell after representatives of the England international indicated their client would welcome a move to St James' Park.

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Horse-Faced Dutchman Departs England For Real

El tercer fichaje de la era Calderón ya está en Madrid y ha asegurado: "Es fantástico estar aquí. Estoy muy contento de llegar al mejor club del mundo donde quiero marcar muchos goles".

Mejor club del mundo? Perhaps Van Nistelroy needs to spend more time practicing Spanish before making such whacky proclamations.

"Es estupendo estar aquí. Es un sentimiento fantástico. Estoy muy emocionado de ser presentado hoy y después viajar a Austria. Venir al Real Madrid es un sueño que tenía como futbolista y por fin se ha hecho realidad. Cuando el Real Madrid viene a buscarte no tienes nada que pensar porque sabes que es el número uno" y ha añadido: "cuando me fijo en su historia y en sus jugadores me emociono mucho porque tiene muchos nombres importantes".

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Ukraine Nancy Boy Happy At Chelski

"I was very happy with my years at Milan and the team was always in my heart and will always remain in my heart. I love the country, it's very special and the fans treated me very well," said Shevchenko in his first interview as a Chelsea player, held in the unusual surrounds of the Beverly Hills Hotel, where the Premiership champions are staying during their eight-day visit to Los Angeles. "But with respect to the clubs who have been looking to sign me, it's always Chelsea who have been consistent in wanting me for the past three years."

The Guardian's article further reveals that Part of the reason Shevchenko chose to move to London is that he does not speak fluent English.

Yes, that makes perfect sense.

That, and Arseholenol are now demanding £30 million ransom to release their left back A Cole to Chelski.