Unload all the metaphors! Let loose the flying, unsubstantiated hysteria of hope and unpredictability! The NCAA tournament, the only blip in the amateur or professional basketball season worth noticing is finally here!
And just on time - how apropos that the NCAA tournament and the accompanying, dizzying array of possibilities swing around the corner at the same time the baseball season has just begun and similarly delusional dreams of people and teams destined for disappointment are simultaneously unwrapping the letterbomb of expectation not knowing if it will fizzle or explode.
But over here, in merry ole' there is no such obsession. On this side of the pond brackets are not being mass produced and hours of valuable productivity are not idled away dreaming up a multitude of possible scenarios, goats, unsung heroes and surprises. No, we are still here listening to politically expedient bravado about cutting emissions by 60%,
Well, the good news is, Sports Amnesia have sorted it all out for you.
That's right. We've combed through all the teams painstakingly just so you over in America can fill out your pools with confidence. We've looked at the trends, examined the rosters and coaches, reviewed seasons and games, watched hours and hours and hours of videotape and news broadcasts and stared vacantly at walls for days in an effort to conjure the answers to the eternal question: Who Will Be In The Final Four?!
Well, not exactly. In truth we've relied upon the science of not knowing for as everyone knows the office pool usually comes down to some twat who is actually somewhat of an inside gambling expert and some fat housewife who has never watched a basketball game in her life, closed her eyes and picked or based her picks on whether or not she liked the team nickname. So hours of planning is pointless save for the fun of it.
Here's how the regions quickly breakdowns as winners:
East - Ignorance is bliss. The one thing I knew before the brackets were announced was forget about the 16th seed. What you can know is that this is a strong group led by top seeds North Carolina and Georgetown. North Carolina would have to beat anyone from New Mexico State to a surprise Texas team to make it to the finals of the group. Georgetown on the other hand, have a relatively simple path Vanderbilt and Texas Tech. Forget about Boston College. My picks: Upsets -I've only got one and that is Oral Roberts making it to the Round of 16. Why? Because I want to see more of the man they call Caleb. Caleb Green. Otherwise, the 1, 2 and 4 seeds go through. Georgetown, having only to defeat a suddenly scaring Oral Roberts, roll into the finals and defeat Texas to make it to the Final Four.
South - Texas A&M seems to be a favourite "darkhorse" pick. It's a wise move, to a point. Too many people believe the hype. My picks: Upsets - Long Beach State and Albany will surprise in the First Round which sets them against each other in the who cares match up to get to the Round of 16 whom I have as LB State, #1 Ohio State, #2 Memphis and #3 Texas A&M. Advantage here goes to Memphis. Why? You don't hear much about them but they were 16-0 in the mighty Conference USA. Louisville is everyone's favourite here if not the Aggies with their senior point guard All American blahblahblah. Go for Memphis. Good music, good BBQ sauce. That's all that matters in the picking. Not the fact that by wins, their coach John Calipari has the sixth-best career start in NCAA history through 14 years with his sparkling 337-129 record (.723). Through 14 collegiate seasons, only North Carolina coach Roy Williams, Louisville Hall of Fame coach Denny Crum, Syracuse's Jim Boeheim, Kentucky's Tubby Smith and Arkansas' Nolan Richardson have won more games than Calipari. Put think about the music and the food. Who would you rather root for?
West - First thing I'll admit is that Duke is in this bracket and I, like millions around the globe, hate Duke with a passion that borders on pathological or insane. I don't ever want to be in the position of having to root for them just to have my bracket work so I will note straight away that I will pick VCU in the first round to upset them. I'm not even sure what VCU stands for, Viet Cong Uni? Aha, send those emails of hatred, little Rams supporters. Virginia Commonwealth indeed. Is it common wealth or wealth which is parsed to a small percentage? In any event, let's keep focused. Send those Dukies home crying in their dirty socks and wiping their arses with their dainty Ivy-in-the-south hands.
A little sidetracked there because there are, after all, 14 other teams in this group. In the realm of upsets I shall recommend to you Gonzaga, Illinois and Villanova doing better than their seeds would allow. It's tempting to seek another first round knock out of Kansas, this time at the hands of the unheralded Niagra, but not likely. Do Gonzaga surprise every year? It seems so. To the point where you wouldn't think it would be a surprise or an upset any more. But I think UCLA get past them. Eric Maynor will lead VCU past Pitt and suddenly you'll find a quasi-predictable Kansas-UCLA regional final. Pick: UCLA.
Midwest - Florida have the chance to repeat their championship from last year's bracket AND lump this with their NCAA football title. No bloody Uni is that good mates so forget about them winning it all this year. I don't have many(any) upsets in this group. Why? Because it's the Midwest and everyone knows how boring the Midwest is. Just shove a few brats in their gobs and let them vote for whatever muppet Republican candidate frightens them the most with speeches about gays taking over the corn crops and there you have it. I've got the 1, 2, 5 and 6 seeds advancing and guess what kids, just because of Richie Cunningham, I'm going with Wisconsin to the Final Four!
So, to summarise the Final Four will comprise of:
Wisconsin v UCLA
Georgetown v Memphis
The Final will see Memphis v Wisconsin and the Badgers are destined to win it all because in some circles it is indeed the Year of the Badger!
(Besides, someone has to make up for Ohio State's humiliating show in the NCAA Football Championship.
Go Badgers, Go!
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