NFL WEEK 5 AND BASEBALL PLAYOFFS I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO CARE ABOUT

First of all, a shitty NFL weekend, or Monday night really, watching the Jets once-miraculous defence suddenly mystified but the Dolphins and their gimmick offence. Rex Ryan? What happened to this defensive genius? Is this the beginning of the end? Two good things; Sanchez looked reasonable in bouncing back from that rookie-like performance against the Saints last week and Braylon Edwards, whom the Jets got for a steal trade last week, proved that he was only suffering from Brownsitis; in fact, he's still a great receiver. Good for the Jets. We'll stomp this piss out of the Dolphins in a few weeks when they've got to go to Jersey.

Secondly, yeah Donovan McNabb, inexplicably the most under-appreciated QB in football. What a bold and brilliant comeback from QB controversy, injury and worry. Granted, beating up on the Bucs is no big feat these days but still, nothing's guaranteed in the NFL.

Except for the Raiders absolutely sucking. If ever a team deserved demotion, it's these Raiders, even moreso than the winless Lions of last season. Everything about this team sucks, their horrifically clueless QB, their old and hideous senile owner, their criminally incompetent and soon-to-face-assault-charges-against-his-own-assistant coach Coach and as Pat reject Richard Seymour said about what it was like playing in Oakland; well, the weather's good.

The Broncos are 5-0 on the heels of everyone thinking they were absolutely fucked this season after being forced to trade Jay Cutler for Kyle Orton. Yes, it's always good to see the Patriots lose another and their invulnerable airs deflated yet again, yes, yes, yes, Tom Brady is human and Bellichick is no fucking genius any more and all those sanctimonious Pats fans can finally shut their fucking mouths but gawd, the Broncos?! With Orton??! C'mon. Let's have a more believable subplot. Nope, forget it, just wait til these pussies have to start playing someone good. I mean these last three victories? A gimme against the Raiders, at home against the Shitboys with the most overrated QB on earth and at home against the quickly fading Pats with a ghost of a QB leading them. Next two games at San Diego and at Baltimore. Let's see where things stand then before we go anointing them World Champions.

ANTI-FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Thank you Buffalo and Cleveland for introducing ANTI-FOOTBALL to the NFL. They can join the Rams, Bucs and Chiefs and form the New AFL (Anti-Football League. And I reckon the Panthers can probably join them, even if they did beat the Redskins this weekend - maybe that's because the Redskins belong there too. What is this with incompetence? Raiders, Chiefs, Bucs and Rams a combined 0-20 for the season.

*****

I like the 49ers. I knew I would just as soon as Crazy Face Singletary took them over and taught them to respect themselves to overachieve with the same ueberlevel of desire that got him through his NFL career despite the lack of clear physical tools. Desire and pride. Why is that so fucking hard to coach? Look at those winless sad sacks in the NFL and then look at the bloody 49ers. Winning games with Shaun Of The Dead Hill at QB no less. Ok, they got their heads handed to them by the Falcons, 45-10 at home no less, hardly impressive, but they'll bounce back and hard, even if they've got to go TO Houston and TO Indy the two weeks after their bye week. Ok, well, maybe not but at least their in a weak division.

Good Christ, are the Bungles really 4-1?! Why yes they are, just as I suspected they would be - a Marvin Lewis simply isn't going to suck forever. Still, impressive wins over the Steelers AND Ravens in three weeks. They must be for real. Which means the Steelers and Ravens will be fighting the Dolphins/Jets/Patriots for the two wild card this season what with the Broncos and Colts also having virtually clinched their division already five weeks into the season - how's THAT for anti-climatic?

Here's my week hand again trying to pick the wieners - anyone who knows about my collective 3-7 record in two Fantasy leagues knows I don't know fuck all or have no crystal ball -

Week 6

HOU @ CIN - The Texans keep almost reaching the dizzying heights everyone predicted for them this season, everyone's sleeper team which means in my mind, it's not a fucking sleeper team any more if everyone thought it. The Bengals on the other hand, at home and the REAL sleeper team, win this one, 31-17

DET @ GB - I like these Lions, they're much more exciting to watch than I thought they'd be even though I've watched them lose two weeks in a row to the Bears and Steelers (gruesome schedule gets no better at Lambeau Field this week...) Injuries are bound to keep them low and the Packers have had a week to think about getting embarrassed by their former Wonder Boy Brett. Pack take this one by double digits. 33-20.

STL @ JAC - one of the Who Fucking Cares Bowl games this weekend. And I mean it. Go Jacksonville. Beat the fuck out of these pathetic sad sacks. 42-10. The Rams suck and we hate them.

BAL @ MIN - Maybe these Ravens aren't as impressive as we thought, losing at home to the Bengals like that on the heels of losing to the Patriots. Here's what I think: Upset special. The Vikings and Glamour Cunt Favre finally get their kicking. Ravens 24 Vikes 13. Too good to be true? C'mon, it's gotta happen some time and what better than an unexpected home loss - you think they are going to be undefeated going into Lambeau? Nah, that'd be too rich.

NYG @ NO: FINALLY the fucking Giants have to play an NFL team instead of these amateur outfits they've been scheduled against the last several weeks. You'd be hard-pressed to go against the Saints, sky-high at home after a week of rest. I'd like to see the Giants get exposed Massively this week by a ridiculous margin, let's say 45-3 or something but the truth is, this will be less of a mismatch than the Saints-Jets were two weekends ago. Why are the Saints getting both of these teams at home with a week off in between? Do you smell conspiracy? Saints 23 Giants 21 if only because the Giants are going to be taken by surprise by a team that actually belongs in the NFL.

CLE @ PIT: Common sense sez with the Browns in such clear disarray and Eric Mangini proven for his second owner he never deserved a second chance after falling on his face with the Jets, the Browns are a fucking mess, even if they beat the Bills in Buffalo by a baseball score last week. NONE of their QBs are any good. Look what Leaving Cleveland, the new NFL docudrama about Braylon Edwards career-changing trade to the Jets. And if you think that's bad, think about what a player must feel like getting traded to Cleveland. I mean it's CLEVELAND for fucks sake, forget about their lousy team. Steelers 30 Browns 10.

CAR @ TB: Yes, scheduling parity, that's what I like to see. One shit-hideous franchise against another in a Mediocrity Bowl of losers. Well listen, the Bucs have to win sometime, why not against these sad sacks who are going to be euphoric about somehow stealing that game against the Redskins and will suffer an emotional let down hereafter? Bucs 13 Carolina 7.

KC @ WAS: Another exciting AFL (Anti-Football League) game nobody but those in the immediate vicinity and far-away masochists care about. Redskins 28 Chiefs 27.

PHI @ OAK: Oh c'mon. Even travelling to the other coast should be worth the trip for the Iggles. First the Bucs, now the Raiders. Is McNabb living large or what? Iggles 38 Raiders 6.

ARI @ SEA: Matt Hasselbeck is back and the Seahawks are 2-0 and have outscored their opponantry (yes, I know that's not a fucking word but it bloody well should be...)69-0 in those two games. If that isn't an MVP candidate, I don't know who the fuck is. If he can stay on the field for more than a half without getting injured, the Cards will get fed their lunch. Seahawks 26 Cardinals 17.

TEN @ NE: Pre season this looked like it would be a monster mash up. Now it's one wounded, close your eyes ugly limping 0-5 team against another team that has to finally face up to its averageness. Not easy for Boy Wonder and the Genius but the momentum is simply anti-gravity for those sad sack Titans. Patriots 33 Titans 16.

BUF @ NYJ: Ok, the Jets have a day's less rest but look, you think they aren't going to be pissed off and the Defence isn't going to be out to prove something after getting humiliated on National TV, out-witted even by those fucking Dolphins? You bet. And at home. With another week of practice for Edwards. Sanchez has the best game of his career. Jets 30 Bills 14.

CHI @ ATL; The Bears are rested, the Falcons are playing in their home dome. The Falcons just beat the shit out of the 49ers after travelling that dreaded cross-country trip. But now they've had to fly back again. Are these Falcons inconsistent or is that just my imagination? This should be a good game. Bears Defence is hurting and struggling bleeding linebackers like they've been so in theory, Matt Ryan will carve them up with those Hillbillies whooping it up in the background. This will be very close methinks only because the Bears had a week to prepare, the Falcons are coming down from a glorious high, hmmm, can't decide by anything other than imaginary coin flip. Aw, fuck it. I'm playing Matt Ryan AND Cutler on my two fantasy teams this week so let's root for a high-scoring affair, say 38-35, Falcons.

DEN @ SD: I sooooo want to see this ridiculous infatuation with the Broncos come crashing to the ground. I can't explain why I hate the Broncos so much this season. Maybe because I pish-poshed their chances, mocked their stupidity in the off season and didn't listen to the johnny-come-latelies who moaned this team is "for real". Inevitably when you see a team getting gushed on like a naked bird on a buffet table at a Horny Men Convention, you have to wonder when the music stops and everyone catches themselves in mid-act. It's not pretty. But is THIS the week? Against THESE Chargers? They lost by 5 at home to the Ravens so they're capable of anything. They got the piss beat out of them by the Steelers in Pittsburgh. This proves physical teams scare them. Are the Broncos a physical team? Well, their defence is good allegedly. They give up hardly any points. That means the Chargers will play El Foldo this weekend. Streak continues, Broncos 23 Chargers 20.

Last week's record: none. 14-2 on the season for flat out victors. Big effin deal.

*******

And yes, as all the applause die down, I shout above to confirm my opinions about the BASEBALL PLAYOFFS.

First of all let me say congratulations Baseball for making sure that every team I fucking hate still has a chance. Ok, the Red Sox and Cards are out, somebody had to go but can I really root for any of these teams?

I HATE the Yankees and Phillies as a Mets fan so logically they'd be the likely World Series finalists just because that's how it works. If I hate a team they will win, almost guaranteed. It's as if I can smell it.

Now the funny logic is that by that logic, I'd have to root for a Freeway Series but jesus christ, I just can't bring myself to do that. I might as well stop watching baseball until next year. The combination of listening to Vince Scully broadcast the Dodgers and the Angels and Southern California perfect sleeping weather and the entire WHO THE FUCK CARES element (I mean not even people in LA will give a shit at least the Yankees, people can hate, jerk up a little fucking emotion about but the Dodgers and Angels? Fuck that. Keep baseball on the East coast.

I wouldn't MIND Dodgers Yankees because of the Manny and Torre element but the more exciting World Series would be the Phillies-Yankees so fuck it, I'm going to root for that even though I hate both teams simply because it would be a more exciting World Series, ok? Which means watch out for that Fucking Freeway Series Finale. Ugh.

Dodgers bullpen beats Phillies. Yankees are just superior and hot, fuck the Angels.

Prediction: Dodgers-Yankees.