So Drop Dead Already
"If I drop dead right now, our position will not change on this issue," Hootie Johnson, Chairman of Augusta National, on the eve of a Masters.

I'll admit right off the bat, other than the existence of Elin Nordegren, the Swedish model girlfriend of Tiger Woods and the fact that it can be as frustrating to play as it is boring to watch, I don't know hoot about golf and don't usually care to. However, the shrill media coverage about the lack of female members at Augusta has finally caught my attention.

I promise you, I still couldn't care less whether Augusta National allows zero females in as members, if they allow Saddam Hussein to be a member or if they all walk around in Easter bunny outfits, drinking whiskey until the wee hours of the morning. It simply isn't an issue of importance.

However, I couldn't help but take notice when an elderly gentleman speaking some barely discernable mutation of the English language, stood up in front of everyone and promised not even his death would change "the issue". Frankly, I had no idea who he was except for the fact that while I watched replays of the press conference rebroadcast over and over again on the usual sports media outlets, I couldn't help but wish for subtitles or that failing that, he would drop dead already.

Who was this red-faced curmudgeon invoking death upon himself, I wondered aloud. "Hootie Johnson," came the smirking reply from the television. I couldn't decide which was more ridiculous: that a man who is chairman of what alleges to be a prestigious country club is named "Hootie" or that someone besides that idiot with the Blowfish actually answers to such a ridiculous name. Google searches were unable to guide me. Every single entry was either about Hootie Johnson or Hootie and the Blowfish so clearly, these are the only two idiots thusly named.

All of this speculation diluted the already tedious issue at hand: females or no females. There's something about the southern culture I don't quite grasp: that aged mentality of those living in the past who cherish the memories of plantation racism and who think that it is important to keep women from being members of their exclusive little country clubs.

Beyond its golf course, the illusion of exclusivity and a fancy bar, what is a country club anyway? Are women golfers that bad that you wouldn't want them hanging around in the bar afterwards over a few drinks? I can't think of any situation where I'd say to myself, hmmm, lemme find a bar with NO CHICKS in it. I don't care if I'm there to see a sporting event they know nothing about, or if they insult my sensitivities with the ignorance of their questions. I want some women hanging out and the better looking, the better.

On the other hand, after listening to that caustic and disagreeable little feminist runt of the litter, Martha Burk, rant and rave about a golf club that doesn't let chicks in as members as though the future of humanity depended on it, I would certainly understand if the good ole boys in Augusta decided to bar Martha Burk, and maybe anyone from the cast of the "The View" from being members of their club for the rest of eternity. Until then, Hootie and his boys should realize that no matter how exclusive they think they are, just like regular human beings, they are susceptible to a little rain ruining their fun. The opening round of The Masters was cancelled today giving morons like Martha Burk and Hootie Johnson another day at center stage. Oh goodie.

*****

Bill Conlin of the Philadelphia Daily News noted in his column two days ago:

"So who wins the World Series in years when the United States enters or initiates major wars? The smart money should jump on the American League in general and the Yankees in particular. The White Sox won the Series in 1917, the year the nation tilted the scales of World War I. The 1941Yankees beat the Dodgers 2 months before Pearl Harbor. Ditto, the 1951Yankees, who beat the Giants as the Korean conflict erupted. The American League - and Yankees - streak ended 2 months after the Gulf of Tonkin
Resolution officially committed us to the escalating conflict in Vietnam in 1964. But the AL was back in the war saddle in 1991 when the Twins beat the Braves in a Gulf War World Series."

On it's face, this sounds like an interesting bit of trivia. However, all by themselves, the Yankees have won 27% of all World Series championships played so the odds are nearly three times better than their closest competitor, war or no war, that they are going to win the World Series. The American League has won the championship 59% of the time. In fact, if you discount the Cardinals' 9 championships, anything short of a nuclear war that eliminates humanity should result in a better than average chance of an American League team winning the World Series.

*****

From the NO BIAS HERE DEPARTMENT: The NY Post reported that Richard Bloch, the arbitrator who recently awarded Chad Morton to the Redskins, is a Redskins season ticket holder. Naturally, rather than admitting he thinks Morton makes an excellent addition to the Redskins, Bloch instead hid behind the bizarre rationale that the Jets didn't "properly" match the five-year, $7.95 million restricted free-agent offer sheet to Morton, failing to match a "voidable" years clause in the contract.

The Jets cannot appeal the decision and the NFL stands, once again, as a bastion of democracy and good. Where are you now, Martha Burk?

*****

Although no fan of the vile and colonically disagreeable Yankees, for me, the luxery of living in Manhattan during baseball season is getting access to what amounts to two free baseball games a day on television. Of course, no matter where you live, it appears that ESPN has now become the home of the Anaheim Angels, but the point is not the unbalanced coverage by ESPN rather, the ability to watch both the Mets and the Yankees play most days.

That ability allowed me to see Hideki Matsui's surrealistic break into the immortal two days ago. His at bat could not have been scripted better by Grantland Rice. You could almost feel it the moment the catcher's mitt went wide left to call for the intentional walk on Bernie Williams to load the bases. Matsui's first game in Yankee Stadium and in his third at bat of the day, the bases were loaded. If you have been sickened by Yankee success as many times as I have, you know intuitively that this is the kind of moment that a Yankee thrives upon. Sure enough, Matsui clobbered a grand slam, the stadium went wild, Japan went wild and the Yankee announcers Bobby Murcer and Michael Kay went into hysterical overdrive while the replay was shown maybe a half dozen times in the span of 10 minutes, like a sick prank you want to laugh at over and over again.

So Matsui is now "officially" a Yankee.

*****

It's bad enough that the Mets could already produce half of the league's NO FIELD Allstar team. Cedeno, Fat Mo and Wigginton would all be better served DHing in the American League than the high-comedy they currently perform at their respective positions. But if I see Mike Piazza try to throw out another base stealer by three-hopping the ball to second base with the accuracy of a skeet shooter with cerebral palsy, I'm going to have to start praying the base stealer pulls a hamstring on the way to the bag instead of thinking Piazza might actually throw a runner out.

His fielding percentage is .885 -- lowest in the majors. Last weekend, he got run over at the plate by a guy significantly smaller than him and DROPPED the ball, allowing a run to score. I have to admit, it was kind of thrilling when he was suspended and I got to watch Vance Wilson actually throw out runners who tried to steal once in a while.

It's not that I'd be glad to see Piazza gone, I just wish he'd come to his senses about changing positions. He certainly couldn't do any worse than Mo Vaugn's immovable force imitation at first base and not having to make a fool of himself defensively every night might allow him to concentrate more on hitting the ball again. In the last three years his batting average has gone from .324 to .300 to .280 and his home run production has inched downward from 38 to 36 to 33.

*****

Lastly, after hearing about Greg Maddux getting slammed for the third consecutive outing, I couldn't help but rejoice and celebrate by reading the Atlanta Journal Constitution for the graphic details. The last time I read it was to find out what kind of nasty things they were saying about Glavine behind his back after he'd signed with the Mets. From The Vent comes the following observations:

"The Braves are the most fundamentally unsound team in the history of the sport." (here, here)

The sooner we all realize Javy Lopez is quite possibly the worst offensive catcher in the game, the sooner we can strengthen our team and shed our "loyalty" to a guy who struggles to hit .230 during the season. Bye, Javy." (tut, tut)

"This team stinks. They could not hit last year. They can not hit this year." (Sure you're not a Mets fan?)

""Losing!" Brought to you by the tightwads at AOL/Time Warner."

"The more I drink, the better people look. I had four beers at the Chop House and the Braves still looked terrible!",

and my personal favorite, dedicated to Braves announcer Don Sutton:

"TBS: I guess that now stands for Totally Blabbering Sutton.

Ah. Nothing like the wounded lashing-out of disgruntled Braves fans to ease the aching heart...