Armandogeddon
"They got me tonight," -- Armando Benitez, after walking 4 of the 7 Yankees he faced.

There are times when one wonders what sort of hallucinagen is in the water cooler of the Mess front office. First they fire one of the better managers in the game while retaining one of the more maladroit GMs in the game and then compound the error by waiting nine months to recognize their error and fire Steve Phillips. In between, they rashly hire a second-choice Charlie Brown rube of a manager like Hula Howe. And worst of all abominations, they didn't trade Armando Benitez during the off season before he'd had a chance to remind the rest of the Major Leagues what a criminally clownish closer he really is.

Armando Benitez has taken the term choke artist far beyond the modern levels of the Mitch Williams' and Donnie Moores of the world in building his sorry portfolio. While firmly capable of putting up sterling numbers when the games don't much count, when it comes to a pennant race, the post season or even a simple gut check like the Subway Series, Armando is the definitive master of self-destruction. Because the litany of his past classics have been so well enumerated in past columns, I'll spare the reader the usual tautology of gory details but suffice it to say that if current Mess Jim Duquette GM can get anything more than this and a few of Pedro Martinez's used tampons in return for Armando Benitez, he should be named GM of the Year.

Is it funny or just delusional when Hula Howe tells us after last night's debaucherie that Benitez "wasn't his normal self tonight"?

Armando pitched in both games of this Subway Series. In Game One, he pitched a full inning of choke, a 9th inning Jason Giambi two run homer that is still flying over the right field bleachers, far off into Queens somewhere. In Game Two last night, he managed to escape without surrendering any moon shots, opting instead to walk nearly half the Yankee lineup on his way to blowing yet another one with typical Armando largesse. Do you want an indication of how pathetic Armando performed last night? He threw only one strike in issuing walks to the first three lefthanded batters he faced. His numbers for the two Subway Series games he pitched were: Two innings pitched, two hits and three earned runs surrendered, five walks and no strikeouts. That's a 13.50 ERA. Choke Classic. Tragically, in neither game did he get hung with the loss.

Last week I offered the well-intentioned hope that Armando would get traded to the Yankees just to guarantee the collapse of the Yankees this post season but following his two withering performances against his potential suitors, it's doubtful even a GM like Brian Cashman, who almost single-handedly gutted the Yankees bullpen this off season, would be dumb enough to relieve the Mess of their ecbolic closer. But, as William Shakespeare wrote in the Merchant of Venice, eventually, I will dote on his very absence. Undoubtedly, someone out there will be desperate or dumb enough to take him.

*****

Perhaps lost in the shuffle last night was the fact that last night Yankees pitcher David Wells was in search of his 22nd win in his last 25 decisions dating to last season. If he'd been able to win last night, he'd have been tied with Roger Clemens for the most victories by a pitcher over the last 10 years. It seems amazing, but Wells has the highest winning percentage of any lefthander in Yankees history - better even than Whitey Ford or Lefty Gomez. The best part is, instead of being force-fed tales of the monomaniacal conditioning freak guru Roger Clemens, who, like Wells, is also 40, with Wells you get hungover perfect games, 5 am fights in Manhattan diners with guys named Rocco, and a bowling pin-style physique. Since 1999, Clemens is 67-31 while Wells is 70-34, despite a 2001 season that was nearly entirely wiped out by a bad back. Even though during his first six seasons he was almost exclusively a relief pitcher, Wells still has 194 career wins. Another eighty three kegs of beer and ten years of starting, and Wells just might become the first 50 year old to crack the 300 victory mark. But probably not. Still, it's hard not to be impressed with his 0.4 walks per nine innings average, the best in the major leagues.

*****

Thankfully, just a day after I'd bemoaned the chance that the Knicks draft doyens were slobbering over the 7-5 pituitary gland Pavel Podkolzin, he dropped out of this year's NBA draft. Of course, that doesn't mean Scott Layden won't pull of yet another bonehead draft day move. One nice thing for the Mess and their Wilpon father/son Chump Consortium about owning a bumbling sports franchise in New York: They've got a long mile to go before they reach the stratosphere of Front Office Idiotry that James Dolan accounts all by his lonesome while presiding over both the Rangers and the Knicks simultaneously into oblivion. The latest rumors have the Knicks going after Toronto's #4 pick plus Jerome Williams and Lamond Murray for Latrell Sprewell and the No. 9 pick. Wondering who the Knicks might swindle themselves with at the #4 pick? The threat is they want to move up in the draft to make sure they get the all-speed, no-shot 5'10 point guard T.J. Ford. That's right, move up in the draft to get T.J. Ford, a guy no sane GM with a top 12 pick will touch. Just what the Knicks need to guarantee themselves the lottery pick for eternity; another small-sized perimeter player with a paroxysmal, lazy-eyed jump shot.

*****

Wives of Athletes eye candy: If you ever wondered why Rony Seikaly disappeared off your NBA radar screens, you might consider the distraction of his wife, Elsa "I'm Not Related To Armando" Benitez.