Mid Season Awards
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." --Jack Benny

With the Allstar Game just around the corner and the season's halfway point finally breached, it's time to ponder the events of the 2003 season to date and hand out recognition where recognition is due:


Hear Me Roar Award: Recently released former Rockies pitcher Todd Jones told the Denver Post earlier this season: "I wouldn't want a gay guy being around me. It's got nothing to do with me being scared. That's the problem: All these people say he's got all these rights. Yeah, he's got rights or whatever, but he shouldn't walk around proud. It's like he's rubbing it in our face. 'See me, Hear me roar.' We're not trying to be close-minded, but then again, why be confrontational when you don't really have to be?"

Stormy Weather Award: Goes to the entire season to date. So far, Major League Baseball has had 37 postponements in 2003. In all of 2002, there were only 32.

The Bad Omens Award: Mets losing their opening game of the season by the most lopsided margin since 1951. Tom Glavine getting booed off the mound by the 4th inning of his first game in a Met uniform. The Detroit Tigers starting successive seasons 0-5 for the first time since the Royals did it in 1992-93. Since then, the Tigers have rallied to a fearsome 20-56 record and are only seven games behind the Tampa Bay Devil Rays for the second worst record in baseball. Someone bring me the smellin' salts!

Going Postal II Award: Just seven months after the first attack on Royals coach Tom Gamboa by a father and son duo, umpire Laz Diaz is attacked by Eric "twelve 16 ounce beers is definately my limit" Dybas.

Family Values Award: Astros infielder Julio Lugo, in a bizarre pregame warm up ritual, hit his wife in the face and slammed her head on a car hood before the game. Lugo was later designated for assignment by the Astros and today is the happy owner of a roster spot on the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Belushi's Pep Talk To The Down and Out Animal House Troops Award: Goes to Lou Piniella during his recent tirade at Ben Grieve: ''Well, what the hell do you mean it doesn't matter? It matters to me, and it matters to everybody else. Rivera's a tough pitcher; I'm not expecting anything. [But] I'm expecting if you think the ball is high to tell the umpire it's high instead of walking off to the damn dugout. And then getting a response like that after we busted our [expletive] out there for nine innings trying to win a baseball game - it does matter! It matters to me and it matters to a lot of damn people in this clubhouse. And when it matters to everybody, we'll start winning more [expletive] baseball games around here." Ohhhh. If only he were managing the Mets...

Dumbest Promotions: Toronto Boo Jays took out an advertisement in the Sunday newspapers prior to their home opener against the Yankees urging fans -- in English and Japanese -- to come out and boo new Yankee Hideki Matsui. Also nominated but failed to win due to the fact they are not in the Major Leagues: The Bisbee-Douglas Copper Kings of the new independent Arizona-Mexico League held Ted Williams Night and the first 500 fans received Popsicles.

Man Versus Machine Award: Curt Schilling smashed part of the Questec Umpire Evaluation System on May 24 during a home loss to the San Diego Padres. "The QuesTec system in this ballpark is a joke," he said. Schilling was fined $15,000 for his actions and a little over a week later, (coincidentally?), due to a line drive shot he took, suffered a hairline fracture of his third metacarpal bone and a chip out of the fourth and was placed on the disabled list. On a much more subdued scale, the umpire's union has only filed a grievance against major-league teams contending the system is inaccurate and varies greatly depending on the person operating it.

Dumbest Cancellation Award: In a season of record setting cancellations and postponements of games, the dumbest one had to be Dale Petroskey's cancellation of a weekend celebration of the 15th anniversary of the movie “Bull Durham”. Petroskey later admitted he made a mistake, saying he should've called the actors, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, before canceling the celebration because of their anti-war stance. "I inadvertently did exactly what I was trying to avoid," the former Reagan administration official wrote. "With the advantage of hindsight, it is clear I should have handled the matter differently." While Petroskey gets a few golf claps for his apology, the storm of idiotic controversy he generated merits his nomination for the award.

Quickest Fading Fad Award: Oh, it had a certain edgy hipness to it, the "Closer by Committee" concept promoted by the Red Sox braintrust, but in the end, the concept was gradually degraded to a sort of "Loser by Committee" tangibility perhaps further underscored by today's signing of the aforementioned Todd "Gay Away" Jones with his breathtaking 1-4 record to go along with an 8.24 ERA in 33 appearances this season and the notion that Byung-Hyun Kim is suddenly going to be their closer. Can Armandogeddon be far away? Let's hope not. Coming a close second to the "Closer by Committee" concept was Toronto's "Four Man Rotation" scheme which lasted as long as it took perennial Cy Young candidate Cory Lidle to nix the notion. I know he's won 10 games but c'mon, he's got a 5.32 ERA. If the Blue Jays weren't hitting like a Summer Softball Beer League team, Lidle would be 2-10. Couldn't they have called up some stiff from AAA Syracuse to take his place and let the evil experiment continue?

Won't Anyone Love These Expos Award: Juan Gone Gonzalez turned down a trade last Friday that would have sent him to the Montreal Expos and his good friend, general manager Omar Minaya, when he exercised a no-trade clause in his contract. Fans at Wrigley Field booed when the Canadian national anthem was played during the Cubs' home opener against the Montreal Expos. Not even their fans seem to like them. Despite a questionable increase in attendance this season, the Expos still rank last in the Major League in attendance. But the Expos shouldn't take Gonzalez's snub personally. During his one season with the Tigers, he rejected a trade to the New York Yankees, and then went to Cleveland as a free agent for one year before returning to Texas.

Who'd Have Thought Sammy Would Bring Us So Much Award: To a quaint little county in Ireland called Cork.