NFL WEEK NINE

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it."
-- Salvador Dali



Heading into the latest bye week, the four teams who had yet to have a bye week (namely, the Carolina Panthers, NY Jets, Philly and Arizona,) held a combined 13-19 record. All were on losing streaks; the Cardinals, a farcical 7 game losing streak since their opening game victory, the Iggles, mysteriously on a 3 game losing streak against allegedly inferior opponents, the Jets having lost one - that breathlessly incompetent blown call that would have allowed them to at least tie - and the Panthers, like the Iggles, having lost mysteriously twice in a row to allegedly inferior competition.

The inferences to draw from it on the one hand is that they roll through the first half, (although in the case of the Cardinals, they might be best served having a bye-season rather than merely one week,) fairly exhausted picking up some opponents along the way who have had a least a week off to rest and relax unlike themselves - on the other hand, the distance between their bye week and the end of the season is alot shorter perhaps giving them something of an edge going down to the final weeks of the season if they are fighting for playoff spots.

Is it in this plastecine NFL world of parity, fair that the bye weeks are staggered? Could the entirety of the footballing world not themselves enjoy a week off at the halfway mark, just after week seven or eight with all teams equally having bye weeks simultaneously rather than giving an edge on way or another to one team or another simply because greed does not allow for a full schedule off, no football to sell?

For another week it won't matter but remain mindful of the Jets, Eagles and Panthers, three of the last four to have their bye week who will thus be moving into the final weeks of the playoff push feeling perhaps more rested than a counterpart that had a bye week all the way back in Week Three.

This week:

Atlanta (-5½) vs. DETROIT - Michael Vick is desperately trying to make the argument that he is more arm than leg, more cerebral than instinctive, by passing his way through the weeks rather than running. With the odds so strongly against a QB surviving on his legs alone this is a smart move ahead of a long boulevard of career-ending concussions. Being mobile yet not living on mobility alone is a good career move. The Lions are coming off a bye week but when you're 1-6 going into it the motivation to return at all must be a struggle. Key stat: The Falcons are fourth in the NFL in turnover differential with a plus-eight while the Lions are tied for 24th at minus-four. Pick: Atlanta

BALTIMORE (-3) vs. Cincinnati - With the Steelers having achieved new heights of absurdity by losing to the Raiders, this division is now wide open and this particular matchup, pivotal. Chad Johnson, the man with the mouth and the mohawk of Ocho Cinco fame, has 772 receiving yards and six touchdowns in his last seven games of this series. Paranthetically I might add my shock and awe at the sudden command of the Spanish language by sportstwits who condescendingly point out that Johnson is spelling the numbers out rather than the number as a whole as if they are all suddenly Spanish scholars themselves. Word to sportswriting chumps: leave the translating to linguists and let Chad be Chad. Jamal Lewis, the Ravens' offensive juggernaut, has run for three of his nine top career games - against the Bengals: 186, 180 and 135 yards - The Ravens are 34-10 in 44 games where the veteran has exceeded 100 yards. Pick: Baltimore.

WASHINGTON (-1½) vs. Dallas - The Kissing Bandit Bill Parcells, leads this series against the Jesus Loving Gibbs with 14 victories in 22 career matchups. The Redskins have disppointed all season long as they have for at least a decade or longer and playing their arch rivals with an habitually outmatched coach in a coaching rivalry spanning decades themselves, the Skins are not likely to pick up where they left off in say, the 80s anytime soon. Pick: Cowboys.

BUFFALO (-3) vs. Green Bay - "Nearly 61% of the betting public is on Green Bay as the +3 underdog. While that may not sound all so impressive, Green Bay has been mostly ignored by the gambling public in recent weeks with some opposing teams getting over 80% of the action." so sayeth gambling911 anyway. Pick: Buffalo.

N.Y. GIANTS (-13) vs. Houston - It's a tough job for Tom Coughlin, the general of time and space, to convince his team that the Texans are a team to be wary of. This has "upset" written all over it. Except for the fact that this season, Texan QB David Carr has fumbled nine times and lost five of them, which has contributed to Houston’s minus-nine turnover differential, which is tied for the NFL’s worst. Somehow the words Sage Rosenfels
are even less compelling in a Texans world with no QB controversy having no good QBs to argue about. Pick: Giants.

ST. LOUIS (-3) vs. Kansas City - Coach Herm Edwards said Friday that Trent Green will suit up for the first time since sustaining a severe concussion that has kept him out of action since the season opener. Green has yet to be medically cleared for full contact work, and Edwards said he will not play against the Rams even though he could do so as the team's inactive third-team quarterback. So why make him suit up then? Edwards said he was suiting up Green just to let him get back in the rhythm of preparing for a game prior to his return in the next few weeks. Right. The rhythm of suiting up. If Green needs a week to practice getting dressed how many weeks will he need to actually play a game? Pick: Rams.

CHICAGO (-13½) vs. Miami - All the usual rubbish converges on this game. Bears, undefeated, 1986, Dolphins only team to go all season undefeated, Dolphins only team to beat the Bears back in '86 blablabla ad infinitum. This is one very strong and indimidating team against a woefully underperforming team with a rookie QB running the show. So let's not bother skipping through the garden of hidden metaphors. I'm not jumping on any bandwagons just yet but there is something rhythmatic about watching opponents look pathetic and farcical week after week. Pick: Da Bears

New Orleans (-1) vs. TAMPA BAY - Was the wizard finally exposed, the fraud revealed, the nekkid Emperor shown for all his warts and freckles? The Saints looked like well, the Saints are supposed to look in their loss last week at home, the first loss at home all season in that mystical post-Hurricane domed stadium haunted by the ghosts of refugees. Howver, the Bucs are resurgent themselves these days and just imagine who you would have taken without hesitation at the season's onset if you'd been told Saints AT Tampa getting only one stinkin point. Ah the world of what ifs and back whens are certainly fascinating. The Saints won't begin a tailspin of decline back to their appropriate level of mediocrity just yet but they aren't far from it. Give them another 8 weeks and they'll have cocked the whole thing up. Pick: Tampa Bay.

JACKSONVILLE (-9) vs. Tennessee: The Tennessee Titans Wednesday suspended cornerback Pacman Jones for Sunday’s National Football League game against Jacksonville over a pair of off-field incidents. Jones is facing another misdemeanour assault charge, the second incident this year in which he accused of spitting on a woman. "This action is not a result of our belief that he (Jones) was guilty or not guilty as far as the last incident was concerned, but rather it is a result of an accumulation of poor decisions that he’s made over his career here," Titans coach Jeff Fisher said like what, beginning with joining the Titans to begin with? Pick: Jacksonville.

Minnesota (-6½) vs. SAN FRANCISCO - This is really a contest between two teams coming off embarassing losses against far superior teams. The Vikes were dissected on MNF tv by the Patriots and the 49ers fell behind to the Bears 41-0 by the end of the first half last week. The 49ers only two victories this season have come at home and with the Raiders suddenly winning a few games, a loss here could mean the 49ers might be considered the worst team around the Bay area. Pick: San Francisco.

SAN DIEGO (-12½) vs. Cleveland - Oh, mighty fluke victory for the Browns aided by bogus call against the Jets that Sports Amnesia is still feeling bitter about. The football gods giveth but they also taketh away and the Brownies are going to have their game taken away by the Merriman-less Chargers. Meanwhile, they have a suspect run defence against one of the NFL's top rushers. A simple formula of who pounds who. Pick: San Diego.

PITTSBURGH (-2) vs. Denver - Yeah, let's get on the Steeler death bandwagon whilst there are still a few available seats remaining. Last week might possibly have been their most humiliating loss in franchise history which is all the more reason why they aren't likely to get embarassed at home this week. Call me sentimental, but this is a game which is dominated by emotion and the Steelers have something to prove. Pick: Steelers.

NEW ENGLAND (-1) vs. Indianapolis - I will be impressed by Peyton Manning's allegdly unstoppable offence when he doesn't lead it down a path of righteous choking in the postseason. Until then, I don't foresee a Bears-Colts Super Bowl. Not by a long shot. Ladies and Gentleman, gush at will about the offence but the Colts have no defence. What else explains this offensive outburst by the Broncos last week that was lost in the gushing about Manning? Pick: New England.

Monday night

SEATTLE (-7½) vs. Oakland - Someone, somewhere along the line is going to stop making fun of the Raiders but it won't be any time soon. That they have found themselves to some degree, the beneficiaries of good fortune after half a season of being mocked and finding themselves the butt of jokes, is suprising but their good fortune increases as they face these Seahawks decimated by injury and still led by a wide receiver playing QB. Pick: Raiders.