Ding Dong! Armando's Gone

"He's as reliable as a schitzophrenic on crack." David Wells, speaking about his new teammate in his book, "Perfect I'm Not! Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches and Baseball"

One by one our local nemeses are leaving. First, it was Fat Mo and his cranky knees buckling under an elephantine torso of jelly belly lard. Then Mike Piazza, the recalcitrant DH, snapped his groin muscles like the strings of a five dollar guitar before the first base controversy could gather a full head of steam. Then Steve Phillips was finally rushed out to fulfill his future in obscurity. Later, went Roberto Alomar, Jeremy Burnitz and now finally, Armandogeddon, gone. All gone. Sifting through the embers, of this dying season, one can only be thankful that there isn't much dead weight left.

In honor of the trade between the Mets and the Yankees, the final flushing away of many painful memories, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, with apologies to the cast of the Wizard of Oz, Ding Dong! Armando's Gone, sung to the tune of Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead:

Ding Dong! Armando's gone. Armando who? The pinstriped fool!
Ding Dong! The clownish closer's gone.

Wake up -- Mr. Met, Flushing Meadow is content.
Wake up, Armandogeddon's gone. He's gone where all failures go,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, Steinbrenner's hell is warming up Armando.
Ding Dong, the Mets are free of pain and misery!
Let them know.
Armando's finally gone!

*****

Now those contumelious cretins housing themselves at E 161st Street in the Bronx want you to believe that the magical Yankee mystique and the mystical Yankee pride will somehow resurrect this miserable hurler with the transient concentration and the overzealous arm, from choke-artist closer to dazzling set-up man for Mariano Rivera.

But don't be fooled. Armando, working as a set-up man instead of a closer, will not be a different pitcher from the role of the mindlessly machismo misadventure machine he perfected with the Mets just because the homers he surrenders won't all be walk-offs. Armando has a transcendent talent at blowing leads. He won't feel any less pressure doing it an inning or two earlier. If anything, with Steinbrenner ready to implode with every lead-blowing homer and playing in a storied stadium where the choke is swiftly sorted out from the clutch, the smart money is on Armandogeddon to blow up bigger and more convincingly than ever before.

Rejoice yea fans of Red Sox, A's and Mariners! Your chances at the AL Pennant just got immeasurably better.

*****

I don't usually like listening to Tim McCarver try to outstupid himself during a broadcast but during the All Star game the other night, when Joe Buck was beside himself with praise for Troy Glaus' pretty swing, McCarver quickly questioned what good the swing was if it didn't come with any contact, pointing out that Glaus is habitually one of the top strikeout kings in the league. Glaus concluded the at bat by striking out. Swinging, of course.

With all the hype over Albert Pujols, I couldn't help but scratch the "what if" itch, wondering what they might be saying about him in 2015 "This One Counts: Losers Get Vasectomies" All-Star Classic, thinking of course that by then, twelve years later, his numbers would be so breathtaking, they'd have to introduce new words in the vocabulary to describe him. But by 2015, Pujols would be 35 and, the biggest caveat of all, if he stayed at his present pace (haha), he'd have "only" 2,849 hits, 550 homers and 1,928 RBIs. Very solid numbers, but hardly Princeton material, now is it, Joel?

It was noted that the last time a team had the first three batters leading off in an All-Star game was the Cincinnati Reds of 1978 who had Pete Rose, Joe Morgan and George Foster in the 1-2-3 spots. Rose was 37 and hit .302 that year. Morgan hit .236 with 13 homers (guess he got in for his glove, eh?) and Foster had 40 homers, 120 RBIs and hit .281 that year. The Reds finished in second place in 1978, a mere 2 1/2 games behind the Dodgers who ended up losing to the Yankees in the World Series. The rest of the NL batting order for that All-Star game was Greg Luzinski batting cleanup followed by Steve Garvey, Ted Simmons, Rick Monday, Larry Bowa and Vida Blue, of the San Francisco Giants, was the starting pitcher. Next thing I know, you'll tell me people actually paid money to see these guys play.