They Aren't All Stars

"We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. --Oscar Wilde

Every year it's the same story. The All-Star team selection is announced, fans start convulsing and squawking, hands start wringing, cities are insulted, bonuses are paid out or foresaken and in the end, just like in life, not everyone's superior performances are rewarded. Rotten eggs all around.

Of course, this was all before Commissioner-For-Life Selig and his corporate confreres bleeding advertising revenue all over their suits decided to make the All-Star game "meaningful" by giving homefield advantage in the World Series to the winning league. Whew! And what an advantage it is! These guys are going to be out there killing each other now for that homefield advantage, which, over the history of World Series Seventh and Deciding Games, amounts to an 18-17 advantage for the home team.

One of the primary bellyaches in attempting to assemble an All-Star team devoid of sad sacks and selection solecisms has been the insistence that every team, regardless of whether their starting lineups are filled with retreads, miscast might-have-beens or whomever could be had for the league minimum, should have at least one representative on the All-Star team. While this utopian Elysium is a noble effort, it produces such monstrous miscarriages as Lance Carter, Mike Williams and of course, Armando Benitez.

Rather than polluting the All-Star team with such deadbeats, new All-Star events should be created to allow for team representation at this blessed event without diluting the talent pool. I have in mind three such events which could begin at this year's fest:

1. Fielding Error Contest: This would involve various players taking the field one at a time to field line drives and choppers hit at them. It could also solve the Detroit Tigers' representation issue with the inclusion of 3B Eric Munson, with his 20 errors and .916 fielding percentage and the Pittsburgh Pirates' inclusion of Aramis Ramirez, also toeing the hot box with 20 fielding errors to date. At the same time, they might merit having Ramon Santiago man second base although this too might create some controversy over the argument of who is the lesser of fielding second basemen, Santiago or Milwaukee's Eric Young. Outfield contestants could include Roger Cedeño, Adam Dunn and Tim Salmon.

2. Gopherball Contest: This would entail various starting pitchers competing to see who could surrender the most homeruns for the most combined distance. Milwaukee's Ben Sheets (24 homers surrendered), Jarrod Washburn (23), Brett Tomko of St. Louis and Ryan Franklin of Seattle (both with 21), would fight it out over a twenty pitch count apiece to see who gives up the most homeruns for the most distance. Much more appropriately humiliating than a mere homerun hitting contest.

3. K Contest: This event would also allow teams without many, if any, superstars, a chance to be represented at the Big Event. Of course, the overwhelming favorite would be Jose Hernandez (107 Ks), followed closely by two-event star Adam Dunn (95 Ks) and of course, the Phillie Twin Air Conditioning Units, Pat Burrell and Jim Thome (90 and 92 respectively).

Lest you wonder about the Tampa Bay contingent, a special All-Star roster spot should be created called the Designated Save Blower. The AL would of course, be legitimately represented by Lance Carter who has blown 6 and saved 14 with his 4.17 ERA and the National League's Designated Save Blower would naturally be Armando Benitez, who has also blown 6 saves against a slightly healthier 21 saves. In the case of Armandogeddon however, a special caveat should be created that he be allowed to blow only the saves which would cost the National League something more valuable than homefield advantage in the World Series. Anything less should be left to someone like Pittsburgh's Mike Williams with his 4 blown saves, 0-3 record and sexy 6.29 ERA.

From the Money Doesn't Buy Competence Department: Of USA Today's Top 25 Baseball Player Salaries, only 4 members are starters in this year's All-Star team: ARod, Manny Ramirez, Carlos Delgado and Barry Bonds. Of those 25 players, five are currently injured, 1 is retired (Yes, Albert Belle is still masticating a nice, fat $13,000,000 salary while he earns his degree), one should be either retired or shot in a mercy killing (Fat Mo Vaughn) and yes sportsfans, twenty of the top twenty five highest paid players in baseball did not make the All-Star team.

Not surprisingly, the Mets account for almost $44 million in bloated non-All-Star salaries all by themselves with Fat Mo, Mike Piazza and Jeromy Burnitz.

Finally, in what should be further fuel to the notion that the entire All-Star game should be restructured to fit the growing international flavor by making it a USA against the World All-Star game with the entire fate of humanity at stake instead of just a measly World Series homefield advantage, it should be pointed out that 17 All-Star members were born in countries other than the United States. Of those foreign representatives, the Dominican Republic leads with 5 players (Pujols, Furcal, Soriano, Manny Ramirez and Armando). What?! Pedro didn't make the All-Star team? It must be racism! If there wasn't such rampant racism in baseball, an entire All-Star team could be made up from Dominican players. Excluded from this year's selection, besides Pedro, were Vladimir Guerrero, Raul Mondesi, Sammy Sosa, Miquel Tejada and Luis Castillo, among others. Running a close second behind the Dominicans were Los Puertorriquenos led by Javier Lopez, Jose Vidro, Jorge Posada and Carlos Delgado.

With all this controversy clouding the MLB All-Star game, has it been lost on anyone else that the WNBA All-Star Game is less than a week away?? Not only that, but Nykesha Sales was named to the team. Nykesha Sales! Can you believe that? What, did Nancy Lieberman finally retire? Frankly, the last I'd heard, they were cancelling the WNBA draft, now all of the sudden they are not only holding the season but having an all-star game to boot. Talk about your clever marketing ploys. Bud Selig could learn a thing or two from Val Ackerman.

*****

One thing one really comes to resent here in New York as a Mets fan is the hysterical nature of Yankee fans. Here we Met fans are, waddling along at a .453 clip, 16 games out of first place and 8 1/2 games from even a sniff of a wild card slot, our roster filled with teenagers, aging has-beens and a closer who can't save games if they matter, and instead of wallowing in self-pity, instead of flourishing in angst for gaining claiming rights to being the worst team in the city, we can't even get a stinkin' headline unless management finally manages to do something sensible like fire Steve Phillips or dump that sniveling reprobate Roberto Alomar.

Instead, every time the Yankees lose a game the headlines scream that Torre is about to be fired or every two bit writer in every city sports rag is flagellating themselves with inane, sentimental remonstrances, like: "What's Wrong With the Yankees?" When they lose two in a row to the Red Sox, like they did over this weekend, it's as though the world is on the brink of the final battle between good and evil and George Steinbrenner is going to be the decisive vote. Since then, the Yankees took the next two, nothing was decided in this idiotically-advertised "crucial" series and for another day or two, at least until the next Yankee loss or the next time Derek Jeter sneezes or Jason Giambi has an eye tic, the citizens of New York can rest quietly, secure in the knowledge that for today at least, the great convulsive media machine can rest another day in peace.