Wells Has Run Dry

In a spring training already rife with controversy over the death of Orioles' pitcher Steve Bechler and an accompanying debate over the use of the substance ephedra, the foremost foot-in-mouth disease expert David Wells has finally weighed in:

"As of right now, I'd estimate 25 to 40 percent of all major leaguers are juiced. But that number's fast rising." Wells wrote in "Perfect I'm Not! Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches and Baseball", an autobiography scheduled for release next month. Although Wells has since tailed off the quotes of his own autobiography, only last year Jose Canseco estimated up to 85 percent of major leaguers used steroids, and Ken Caminiti said half did before retracting his statement, saying he thought the percentage was far lower.

Between steroids, amphetemines and ephedra, today's baseball aspirants may well be better served studying pharmacology than attending baseball school.

As everyone's probably already heard, Wells didn't limit his stupidity to one category. In that same autobiography he wrote that he was "half-drunk" when he pitched his perfect game in 1998. While this might be a great service to teammate Derek Jeter, already criticized by George Steinbrenner for his nightlife habits detracting from his play, Wells has since tried to backtrack on that and other statements. In the end however, he appears to have admitted only that "Sometimes I'm too honest and that's probably my own fault."

If it isn't his fault, it must be Roger Clemens' fault. Clemens was oft-critiqued in Wells' book, going as far as to note that "Derek Jeter and Scott Brosius have taken beanballs to the head from this guy and a huge percentage of this team hates Clemens' guts." and then adding that "Trust me, if I were Mike Piazza, that broken bat would still be shoved up Roger's (butt)."

Naturally, none of this has gone over well in the Yankees' front office or in the Commissioner For Life, Bud "Hot Dog and a Diet Soda" Selig.

The Yankees have played it cool since the word of the books' contents first came out but GM Brian Cashman noted that that Wells' book "tarnishes the Yankees' image.".

Selig wants to read David Wells' autobiography before deciding whether baseball should take disciplinary action against the New York Yankees' pitcher.

Lest you think Wells' derogatory comments were reserved for New York players, he also gave a shout out to his ex-fans in Toronto:

"Honest to God, the Toronto fans suck," Wells wrote "Even though this underpaid, understaffed, under-loved little team is right in the thick of the hunt, right into the last week of 2000, these mouth-breathers in the stands have no idea what we've accomplished. The wool-hat wankers just boo relentlessly. I've never been so happy to end a season on the road."

Ever since September, when a 5-foot-7, 150-pound man named Rocco knocked out two of the 6 feet 4, 245 pounds Wells' teeth, his slide toward oblivion has seemed inevitable. Chances are, when, as a 39 year old man, you're still out getting drunk until dawn and getting into diner brawls, your future as a major league pitcher can't be very bright.

Not that David Wells ever seemed very bright to begin with. He just seems compelled to have to prove it to us over and over again.