What Team Would Jesus Manage?

"I would say Dusty certainly earned the right to manage the team. On merit he deserves it. But we'll make the final decision in the spring." -- Baseball commissioner Bud Selig on whether current Cubs and former San Francisco manager Dusty Baker will manage the National League in the All-Star Game.

Although I thought it was smart of the Cubs to sign Dusty Baker to be their manager this season, apparently, in Lakeland, where seemingly every church has a sign out front, one advertised an interesting topic for its sermon this Sunday: "What if Jesus ran the Chicago Cubs?"

What if he ran the Cubs? Would that automatically mean the end to the Cubs' 94 year World Champioship drought? Would there be night games at Wrigley without lights? Would the beer and hotdogs be replaced with wine and wafers? And more importantly, would he allow Sammy to blast his salsa music in the lockerroom to the annoyance of everyone else?

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Be glad you're not a Detroit Tigers fan. First, Jeff Weaver was dumped to the Yankees, then they let Robert Fick jump to the Braves and now it appears the Tigers are ready to let Matt Anderson, their 26 year old closer with the 100 mph arm, go to the highest bidder.

The Tigers didn't like Weaver because he complained about the ownership and made too much money. Now he's pitching so well, don't be surprised to see him leap-frog past Jose Contreras the Cubano chicane who at the current rate of gracelessness, couldn't retire the side of the Pawtucket Slaterettes, and David Wells, who needs an instant turn around to redeem himself in the eyes of his teammates and Bud "Not Now I'm Sleeping" Selig for his transgressions. With one injury, Weaver might well be the #2 starter on the staff.

The Tigers didn't like Fick because he was plagued by rumors of excessive drinking and someone who partied too much which he now claims he's stopped. He says of Atlanta: "With the guys they've got over here, you better be ready to play when you come to the ballpark," which leads one to believe that the guys in Detroit are better at beer bongs than at laying down bunts.

Now the issue is Matt Anderson, who admittedly is coming off a right shoulder muscle tear and has a career 4.84 ERA. But Anderson is only 26 and still registers triple digits on the gun. Potentially, he could become a devastating closer or set-up man but the Tigers want him out. According to the
Detroit Free Press, he won't be in Detroit by season's end. To replace him, they've got the nose tackle closer Franklyn German who at 6'4, 265, is probably the last guy to leave the clubhouse buffet table but is still labeled as their future star closer. This is Fat Sid Fernandez just waiting to blossum.

Someone to keep an eye on might be Indians starter Ricardo Rodriguez.
"Ricardo has been outstanding," Indians GM Mark Shapiro said. "He has a great sinking fastball, a good change-up and he's been working on his breaking ball." Rodriguez is 1-0 with 1.00 ERA so far this Spring. He shut out Jim Thome and the Phillies for four innings in Saturday's 7-1 victory.

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Hee Seop Choi Update: "I see a player that possibly could hit 25 to 30 home runs," Hall of Famer Billy Williams said about Choi. To date, Choi is hitting .350 in 9 homerless games. Eric Karros, his main competition, has had just two at bats so far this Spring because of a bad bout with bronchitis.

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The bizarre raid of the New York Jets roster by the Washington Redskins continued yesterday when the Redskins announced they'd reached a tentative agreement on a contract offer sheet with restricted free-agentwide receiver Laveranues Coles. Coles agreed to a seven-year contract worth about $35 million, including a signing bonus of approximately $13 million. The Redskins would owe the Jets their first-round pick -- the 13th overall in the draft -- as compensation. Lucky for the Jets, QB Chad Pennington's contract is good through 2005.

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How do you spell quitters? Cleveland Cavaliers, that's how. Three of their past five games have been 26-point losses and they appear well on their way to the worst record in team history. The good news is, even the team with the worst record has only a 1-in-4 chance of ending up with the first draft pick so this horrific play down the stretch guarantees nothing but the fact they'd have a better chance reaching .500 in the WNBA.

However, since they are going to remain in the NBA, their coaching problem will have to be resolved. Interim coach Keith Smart is 3-18. Not the kind of numbers that get you a return contract. To date, Mike Dunleavy and Suns assistant Marc Iavaroni are at the top of their list.

After August, Jeff Van Gundy is a free man and anyone with a coaching vacancy who isn't knocking his door down to get him isn't serious about winning. Given the tradition in Cleveland, Van Gundy probably isn't a big enough loser to merit consideration but even with owner Gordon Gund a slim bet at best to spend the bucks to lure a big name coach to Cleveland, what if they actually did manage to win LeBron and the little child king LeBron doesn't like the coach? You see, the quagmire is simply too complicated to overcome. Look for the Cavaliers to be losers for many more exciting years to come.

Speaking of losers, looks like the Wizards are just about out for the count following a pathetic loss to the Knicks with Michael Jordan rightfully complaining afterwards about the hustle of his younger teammates and Stackhouse whining about not being able to toss up enough bricks because Michael was doing all the shooting. Stackhouse of course, was 1 for 7 from the field. I guess he needed another 30 shots to get warmed up. "What we’re doing right now ain’t for me" Stackhouse wailed in the lockerroom afterwards. Must be, Jerry, not enough "me".
So maybe he'd better ask himself, "how many shots would Jesus take?"