Everyone Is Doing It: So Shall I

Since tis the season, etc., predictions, baseball in the air (well, not here, on the Channel coast) but in other places, surely, here are the Official 2004 Sports Amnesia Baseball Predictions and the Governing Logic behind them:

AL East: Boston, NYY, Toronto, Tampa Bay, Baltimore:

Yes, the Red Sox-Yankee hatred is incubating nicely. But I agree with the lads at East Coast Agony. This shouldn't be of concern to the casual Tiger or the wallowing Royal. This rivalry is about two primary East Coast cities. As usual, in situations where the outcome is uncertain or too close to gauge, I rely upon the arbitrary logic to see me through. I can't just pick the Sox because I hate the Yankees. Well, I could, but what wouldn't be entirely accurate any more. Over the last season, I've developed a pleasant disgust for Red Sox fans as well. Too many of them appear to be right wing zealots mouthing Irish Catholic Conservative vitriol in addition to their anti-Yankee bonbons. Pedro spends more time whining than pitching and fails every time in the clutch against the Yankees. Manny Ramirez is a punk. The only thing I like about the Red Sox is Curt Schilling. The Sox lost the battle for A-Rod, but all hitting aside, the Yankees rotation and the Yankees bullpen and the Yankees age will prove to be their Achilles Heels. I'd take Toronto for second but for the fact that they haven't got a Steinbrenner and a trillion dollar cable tv rights contract that will allow them to buy up the remaining All Stars left standing once the Yankees are done pissing and spitting, is a severe disadvantage. Plus Toronto sucks as a city and frankly, only one Canadian team a year deserves the post season. Sox get the nod even though they didn't get the Rod.

AL Central: Chicago WhiteSox, Kansas City, Minnesota, Cleveland, Detroit

You can listen all you want to the tales of Minnesota's farm system, the one that churns out clutch postseason players like Celine Dion churns out stomach-turning songs, but their losses were too heavy this offseason to just grin and bear and yank another young lad up to the stage by the earlobe. Besides, haven't you heard? The White Sox are warning of a mystery man and have already traded for Timo Perez. Fat Frank Thomas, underachieving Paul Konerko and dissatisfied Magglio Ordonez make up quite a team of malcontents. But look, KC can't surprise anyone this season and I-Rod is dumb enough to leave a World Champion for the dustbin. There's no one left. White Sox by default.

AL West: Oakland A's, Anaheim Angels, Seattle Mariners, Texas

Let's get this straight. Seattle will never win anything because they chokechokechoke. Every year. You can look it up. Secondly, the Angels with their hiphop hispanic makeover and the Latino Quarter in the ownership bin are not going anywhere but into the aisles of disappointment. No team spends trillions on free agency and wins. Apparently, the new ownership missed that fact. Oakland has the pitching and we all know how much Sports Amnesia loves the pitching. Oh, and you can be sure that Texas isn't going anywhere until Buck Showalter is fired because no team that Buck Showalter manages ever wins a championship until after he leaves the building.

WC: NY Yankees

Law of averages. You can't spend a trillion dollars and not win something.


NL East: Montreal, Atlanta, NY Mets, Philadelphia, Florida

Montreal are my 2004 Team From Nowhere. Last year it was Florida, the year before, it was Anaheim. This year it will be the Expos. Why? Because the NL East is the weakest division in MLB and is totally up for grabs. Momentum will build up and who knows, if we're all lucky, there will be another Selig-manufactured debacle of catostrophic importance, like the World Series being played in Hiram Boca Stadium, or whatever the fuck that minor league stadium in Puerto Rico where a team from Canada plays most of their home games is called. If a French Canadian team playing in a Spanish-speaking islet isn't the recipe for success in MLB's idiotic hierarchy these days, than I don't know what is. Phuck Philly. They aren't going anywhere with a rabid rodent like Larry Bowa at the helm. Millwood will suck this year. The bullpen will suck and no one will be around to back up Jim Thome. Atlanta? A distant memory. Florida? They've got Armandogeddon closing, enough said. My Mets? A whiplash accident waiting to happen. The Expos are my Shadow Team of 2004.

NL Central: Chicago, Houston, St Louis, Cincinnati, Milwaukee, Pittsburgh

Yeah, this is real hard. A team with one of the best managers in baseball, best pitching staff and a long legacy of losing against a team from Texas which has tried to buy its way into competition by hiring half the Yankees starting rotation. Roger Clemens sucks and I look forward to seeing him gathering dust on the DL alongside his shipmate and possible between the lines lover, Andy Pettitte. The only team with an outside shot of topping the Cubs are the Reds and that's only if Junior hits 75 homeruns because I'm so tired of hearing how Junior is back juxtaposed with all the Junior for Who trade speculation. Any division with Milwaukee and Pittsburgh deserves their obscurity.

NL West: Arizona, San Fran, SD, LA

Wow, a tossup, isn't it, between a bunch of teams that suck. Sounds disturbingly similar to the NL East without Bonds and without Randy Johnson. That is what this season comes down to: Who has a better season, Randy Johnson, or Barry Bonds. The Dodgers have no hitting and their pitching is rapidly waning. SD is well, SD. No amount of splashy free agent retread signings are going to change that. Without steroids, Bonds is going to get hurt more often meaning the Giants will have to win without him, which they can't. Advantage, Arizona.

WC: Atlanta: The logic behind this is that now that they have no one, they might actually overachieve instead of underachieve when the games actually mean something.

ALCS: White Sox over Oakland: I've just got a feeling about the White Sox. Nausea. But, frankly, the Red Sox can't stop second guessing themselves and the Yankees aren't going anywhere without a shopping cart. I give the nod to the White Sox because the Yankees will still be jet-lagged by Japan. Pobre Oakland. All those arms and no titles. Beaneball, Scummyball, fuck em all.

NLCS: Montreal over Chicago Cubs: How about a redux of last year's last minute collapse? Even though it is the year of the Cubs, the truth of the matter is, the Expos will be playing without a curse hovering over them.

AL MVP: Eric Chavez, Oakland
NL MVP: Randy Johnson, Arizona
AL Cy Young: Curt Schilling, Boston
NL Cy Young: Randy Johnson, Chicago Cubs

WORLD SERIES:

Montreal Expos over Chicago White Sox: Just another Seligful moment in a brief hysterectomy of time.

*****
Adu to Make Debut next Saturday, perhaps opening American eyes to football.